Monday, June 20, 2011

But Breathing II

When I got out of the hospital, I went straight home and told my mother that I was moving out. She screamed. She yelled. She did a lot of things. But I managed to get my shit out of the house, and my grandmother managed to pull up and let me into the car just before my mother could run out and yell at us. She drove off, and seeing that house in the distance as we drove away... I'll never forget it.

My grandmother told me that she would attempt to finally try completely for custody. She said that once she gets custody back, maybe I can try for school again. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I'd never be able to go back to school.

Mom tried to come over and pick me up but we locked the front door on her and called the police. She was forced to go home. I felt protected and safe, for once in my goddamn life.

I moved into the downstairs bedroom that we call the little den. It's actually kind of nice. It's very calming to have someplace where I don't have to hear termites continually eating the walls, or my brothers fighting with each other, or my mother... existing. I even have a desktop computer down here! It's kind of cool.

My friends and I hang out often. I've gotten extraordinarily close to Madelyn and Steven. We went to a festival the other day. There were fireworks, and it was gorgeous. I'm having so much fun with them, and I sort of kinda wish the summer will never end. They don't have school anymore, after all, so we can all just hang out whenever we feel like it. Fuck it, you know? 

But despite all of this, I have the emptiest feeling in the world. Was all of this fighting worth it? Especially when you factor in the future... or lack of one. Wouldn't all of this been easier if I had killed myself back in February?

Maybe. But it's too late to think about that now. Now, I can't afford to kill myself. I have responsibilities. I have friends. I have people to protect. I have mistakes to amend. I have things to do and things to experience. I need to keep on living. Even if it's the hardest thing to do.

I can't die yet. I can't. Not until I've stopped Grey.

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