Saturday, April 9, 2011


My mother's gone and my brothers are off with her for whatever reason. Steven appears at my front porch step. He has a single bottle in his hand. He tells me I'll receive more once they see how I react to the medication. I hardly even listen to him. I hardly even want the meds anymore. I'm so out of it. I feel like I'm blurring out. Steven notices. I pass out. He apparently calls for help. Some girl appears first. I awaken out of unconsciousness just to see her arrive, then I fade away once again. Then, the old man appears. He makes me awaken. I don't want to. He shakes me. He forces two pills down my throat. I swallow hesitantly. They take me in his car before my family can come back. They rush me somewhere. I keep fading in and out.

I don't feel Grey at all anymore. I just feel my heart beating incessantly.

I feel my will to live slip away. I don't feel anything but sadness and my annoying heart.

I feel the unfeeling in my body and my mind and it makes me feel nostalgic for when I could feel anything and not feel guilty about it. When I'd get hurt and cry. When I could cry without getting so damn tired of crying. So damn tired of being sad. So damn tired of everything. Of trying to be happy when you just know. you just know. you just know.

I know. I've been here and back again. I know it's all going to collapse anyway. I take a pill or two, so what? Will that fix anything? Grey is held back, so what. So the fuck what.

My mother is still here. And I'm still here. Nothing has been fixed. We're back to square one. I'm going to kill myself anyway. That's the only way out of it.

Goddammit I sound so depressing don't I. So whiny. Who cares about what I have to say? I don't even care anymore. I just. want. ending.

But I see beauty in Steven trying to save me, and in the old man's grumbles, and in that girl's presence. I hear Steven call her by name. It's Madelyn. I remember the pill bottle. So she's in this with us too? That's beautiful. No wait what? That doesn't make sense.

I'm crying again. I don't want to die. I want to die. I don't want to die and I'm so tired of living.

I don't fear death anymore. I've gotten to the point where I fear living.

How fucked up is that?

They drop me back at my house. I stumble into my bedroom and I go to sleep.

There are no nightmares. I wake up and I blog this. And then I will sit in my bed, and stare out the window for an hour or two. I'll stare at the sky. The clouds are awfully pretty today, after all.

No comments:

Post a Comment