Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Up the Wolves

It took my mother screaming at me one final time to convince me to do this. It's embarrassing it took this many times for her to do that to me until I finally had enough. Instead of curling into a ball and crying or ceaselessly yelling back at her until one of us loses our voice, I'm going to shut up. I'm going to shut up and bide my time. And while she's not looking, I'll be down here, hiding in the dark. I'll be pulling together every responsible adult I know. I'm going to call my father and plead for his help. I'm going to show the neighbors whom your screams truly hurt. I'm going to give reason for the police officers to arrive and not leave until you're in custody. I'm putting my boxing gloves on, I'm preparing myself for your worst by matching it with my best, you selfish bitch.

I'm going to save my little brothers and Cosette. She'll never have to deal with you cheerfully telling her these lies about grammie, or have to witness your screams until she's shaking. Chandler will get his life straight and someone will actually provide stability and maybe even discipline. Alec will find someone who will listen to him and show him how special and important he really is. And no one will ever smash my stereo or choke me half to death like you've done ever again. And grammie will never have to deal with your psychotic phone calls ever, ever, ever again. She'll stop shaking and she won't have a stroke or have a heart attack.

I promise you. I promise you that in the end you'll be the one that's crying. You'll be all alone, in a corner, realizing that you've lost your whole damn family. You'll realize all the chances you've missed out on. You'll realize how truly alone you are. You'll see me without you but I won't ever see you without me. I'll be just fine on my own. And I want you to see that. I want you to see me at my best, at my strongest, at my healthiest; at my happiest.

Because, despite everything that's happened... between Grey, you, and this Fear Mythos business, I still have the ability of happiness. You have not robbed me of that. I can, and will, be happy someday. And to be happy, you can not exist in my life as you are now. I know you think that we love you. Well, we do. We do love you, I guess. And that's why all of this hurts so goddamn much. And that's why I hate you, too. I understand that you're not mentally fit. You're mentally imbalanced. Yeah. I fucking get it. I can see the devil in your bloodstream.

But if you truly loved someone, you'd never hurt them like you have to us.

I don't think I can ever forgive you for this. I don't think I could ever do it, even if you somehow make up for all the years lost. And despite that, despite all of this, despite how strong I am... I'm still the one that's losing. I'm the one that lost his childhood, his youth, his parents. All because of one person. That's how fucked up this is. One person had all the power over the lives of four children. And they fucked up and no one's done shit about it. There's no one busting down the doors. There's no one caring about me like they should be. I'm on my own.

"If no one's in my corner, since everyone left, I'd better make it worth it."

I had a fucking monster inside of me and I still prevented myself from even laying a hand on you. That's my biggest fucking issue here. Goddammit!! Do I have to spell it out!? You have no excuse! You've been gone my entire life just like dad has! And I've hoped that one of you will come home and save me, save us. But no one's coming. So I have to get going. And I'm taking them with me. I'm taking them away and I'm keeping them away. From you. From this town. From this life.

I'm getting out of here.

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